Active listening.
“What do you think of this solution, Ann?” “Ummm… what do I think?”
All I could think was I don’t know! I wasn’t listening … eccck!
I was worried and too busy worrying about my next meeting, or thinking about what I wanted to say, or only listening to what I wanted to hear, or was just plain old daydreaming about something like, “Salmon sounds good for dinner.”
Even though I heard the words, I wasn’t listening. By not listening I signaled to this person that what they said, and they themselves, were not important to me (and probably triggered them. Am I competent? Am I liked?). I didn’t put myself in their shoes and didn’t think about what it would be like to not be listened to, which is not a great feeling. Not listening is not empathetic.
Not listening signals:
We don’t care
You don’t matter and aren’t important
Purposeful, intentional active listening is an empathetic act, and a skill we can learn and practice.
1. Be aware of biases, and the lens through which we view the world. How do we evaluate or judge the world around us?
2. Use your body to listen (not just your ears). Your body provides you information and feedback about how you feel in any situation. If you are slouching in your chair and crossing your arms, your body is signaling to YOU—you’re bored and/or irritated. So, sit up, engage your body in positive nonverbal behaviors, orient your body toward the speaker, lean forward, maintain eye contact, and provide the speaker small nonverbal (nod your head) and verbal affirmations (murmur- yes or umm).
(Try this quick experiment, but be safe! The next time you’re driving think about something you like or are excited about. Now what happens to your speed? And try the opposite, think about something you are dreading. What happens to your speed?)
3. Remember your body is also sending signals to the speaker. Crossing arms, not maintaining eye contact, slouched posture, or turning your body away, all signal disinterest and that their words aren’t worthy of your time.
4. Focus on the speaker and what they are saying, not your own thoughts or ideas. Be present! If you are thinking about what you want to say next, you aren’t listening. You may miss subtle changes in tone that may indicate a joke or something serious, and thus you have lost the focus of what the speaker is saying, and you can respond appropriately.
5. Try to remain neutral or non-judgmental. Counterarguing in our heads while the speaker is talking will inhibit active listening.
6. Let silence be, and relax into it. It provides everyone space to slow down and digest what has been said, and a chance to respond (not react!)
7. After the speaker has finished, paraphrase what they have said to confirm you understand. Then respond!
8. Ask questions!!!!
