Learning to respond.
“I didn’t like him, he didn’t agree with me, was contentious, we shouldn’t hire him. He’s qualified, but maybe too ‘experienced’ and would want a lot of change,” said a co-worker during a meeting on whether or not to hire a friend of mine. Ecck!
Over an email conversation just after COVID hit and moved us a virtual workplace, when it became clear Sheila and I were choosing a different course of action, Tanya rattled off an emotional email that implied she was better than us at our jobs, and was serving our clients better. Dang! Those sound like fighting words…
In both situations, in the moment (i.e. the heat of battle) I had a very strong emotional reaction. “What?! My friend is awesome, proven leader, you have no clue!” and “Honey, I’ve been doing this job longer than you, and understand the demands of the current situation differently based on my experience.”
I was also triggered in both situations by: “Am I competent?” and “Am I liked?” A powerful trigger duo.
But…
The consequence of those emotional, System 1, reactions to the situation and my triggers would have led to immediate escalation. In addition, my reactions would have caused long term impact on my relationships/interactions with those colleagues AND the colleagues who witnessed my reactions.
So, how to shift from an emotional reaction (System 1) to a more rational response (System 2)…
On both occasions, I let my colleagues’ reactions sit for a moment, and I gave myself a bit of time to think. Then, I thought about how to respond, and do so, firmly with respect, empathy, and logic.
“I am sorry, but I disagree. His experience and vision are what we need. His would be a firm hand to guide us, in contrast to the other candidates.”
“I think you should do what you think is best for your clients and suits your skills at this time, and Sheila and I will choose to do the same. As long as, our clients are served, no choice is better or worse, just different.”
My background in social psychology helped me to access and utilize tools for responding in these situations. I worked to Respond, and to resist Reacting, to De-escalate and not Escalate.
In-person (virtual or face to face) meetings present a real challenge to our ability to respond and not react, since we are tempted to react in the heat of the moment, either to defend ourselves or our colleagues. When I anticipate a meeting could be contentious or difficult for me, I prepare. I realized during this particular meeting I might hear hurtful arguments against hiring my friend. Knowing this, I mentally prepared... I thought about some of the arguments that may be brought up and worked through how each of them would be make me feel. I also worked through to which arguments I would respond (don’t fight every battle), and how I would respond. In the moment, I was very emotionally activated (I was shaking, upset, etc.) ready to react, but I had my rational, measured response ready!
After the meeting, senior colleagues approach me and said how they supported and admired how I handle a clearly emotionally upsetting meeting. In addition, the colleague from the meeting approached me the next day and apologized for their attack on my friend. None of this would have occurred, if I had emotionally reacted during the meeting.
Tools for in-person meetings:
Prepare: not just be well-informed but anticipate how you might respond if you are triggered (Am I or my team competent? Am I or my team liked/respected?)
Don’t fight every battle, be prepared to take a stand when necessary, but be prepared to compromise or concede, when it would be advantageous.
Think through your responses to possible issues ahead of time, and consider how your respond will impact your interactions and relationships after the meeting.
And always be polite, act empathetically, and build civility.
So that email, I read it, cursed loudly for a while, talked it over with a trusted friend, had dinner, took a walk, slept on it… then I responded. In the morning, I was able be more rational and empathize with my co-worker. I realized Tanya was stressed with the move to virtual workplace, COVID threw us all for a nasty loop. She also was newer to the company and was looking for reassurance, and when we took a different course of action to her, she didn’t get the reassurance she needed (she was triggered by “Am I competent?”). By working through my emotional reaction (cursing loudly) and talking it through with a friend I gave myself the space to respond.
Tools for email or other forms of electronic communication:
Feel the feelings. Curse loudly, be mad, be angry, even write the reaction email (WITHOUT AN ADDRESS IN THE TO: FIELD!) then delete it.
Discuss situation with trusted friend, coach, or mentor. Don’t gossip, work through your feelings, and brainstorm a response.
PAUSE: take a walk, meditate, do some yoga, eat a meal, and/or sleep on your response. Doing this resets your nervous system from fight or flight to a less stressed state, and you can move from reaction to response.
Respond: be polite, be empathetic, and be civil. Consider the impact of your response, and how it will impact future interactions and relationships.
